What is it about relationships with humans that causes us to deny what our intuition says?
Even when it’s a whisper or a faint “don’t do it” why do we repeatedly fail to listen?
I am in a space where I have failed.
I have failed to listen to my intuition when it concerns people I considered friends.
Though, in the spirit of “owning my stuff” (as my former boss would say), I will admit that I am complicit in my suffering.
Don’t get me wrong, I’d rather wallow in how embarrassed and humiliated I feel. Much rather deny where I am wrong. But, even on my worst day I’m emotionally mature enough to know that the wallowing and denial can’t continue. Integrity and forgiveness is where the peace is.
But am I wrong for wanting forgiveness to be for the transgressor’s own good as well? It’s meditative thinking about how much I hate them and then thinking about how sick it makes them that I hate them. Can’t I get off for a while?
The short answer is no, especially after my husband let me down real easy by saying, “Babe, I think they’re fine. Everybody’s out living their life. I don’t think they care at all.”
They’re not sorry? Not even in the way that I fantasize about?
Here’s to being irrelevant (and maybe a bit narcissistic).
It was a sobering moment for sure and so I have had to do two things: Admit my wrongdoing and forgive.
How am I complicit?
1. I forced a friendship (or few):
Would you believe me if I said this isn’t my usual MO? Friendships may be what I want but it’s not usually something I force.
And yet, between graduating college and being without my close knit girl gang for the past 4 years I slipped and fell into being desperate for proximity. Everybody knows there’s something majestic and powerful about a group of friends. There’s something real special and homey about the closeness. I still have this with my girl gang except we’re all scattered as hell and the realities of adulting make sure our visits aren’t as frequent as we promised. So I forced other friendships. I did friend things and gave friend energy to people I slick don’t know. Against that tingling intuition telling me to stay the hell away: I went into their home, they came into mine, shared a few drinks, ate at a few restaurants and yet–I’ve never seen them cry. I don’t know middle names, parental history, or anything about them–not really–and that’s on me.
2. I wasn’t observant:
Not only did I ignore the warring and blaring signs of trife. I didn’t watch how people I trust and have loved for years acted around these friends.
We know when we’ve met good people. In the past if there’s a friend my sister, mother, and other family members like they end up in group messages. They end up curled up in my mama’s bed like one of her kids while we talk. My people will ask about them or call them on their own, and I know this. I know what it looks like when a friend has the stamp of approval. Looking back, I never got that this time around because family be knowing y’all, family be knowing.
3. I wasn’t honest:
With these friends or myself.
I didn’t listen to that soft knocking that something was off. I wasn’t even honest about my own motives of trying to survive loneliness. I’m all about truth and authenticity and here I am lying by omission (which goes against all of my friend codes).
Recognizing that I am a liar made it much easier to forgive them but much harder to forgive myself.
It would appear that I’m not so great or faultless, no matter my intentions.
And that’s what’s been the problem all along. I’m not upset with these friends, because they aren’t my friends. They’re not even fake friends disguising themselves as “real” friends, they’re just not friends. So it doesn’t matter if they’re sorry.
These people aren’t bad people they’re just people I happen to kind-of-sort-of know-of. I keep waiting on an apology from them when it’s really me who needs to apologize because I’m my friend. I’m not always the nicest to myself but I’m stuck with me. I care about my growth and well-being. I care about how I’m loved and if I love those I love well but, I screwed myself over and in actuality probably hurt them too.
That’s why I’ve been so sad and angry. I put the friend in myself in a position to be hurt and it’s forced me to confront more things not touched on here, (but I got you on another day).
How about you, Wordies? Have you had a moment where you’ve realized the friend you need to worry about and forgive, is the friend in you?