I had some wins this year.
- Invested and updated site [✓]
- Gained followers and subscribers [✓]
- Hired as an Editorial Assistant and blogger [✓]
- Insisted on prioritizing wellness [✓]
But, I also played it real safe.
Rejection, embarrassment for how things worked out in some personal relationships, and plans not going as planned, scared the shit out of me this year.
I think it all started with the presidential elections and then it went downhill for me.
In truth, I didn’t want to make too many waves. I tread lightly and stayed as close to my comfort zone as possible, and ultimately, I now realize that in trying to protect myself, I blocked myself from a lot of good things.
Despite my best efforts to stay encouraged and make those who believe in me proud, I just couldn’t take another heartbreak this 2017. The thought of one more risk froze me.
Even now as I write this, I realize I’m teetering on incredibly vague, but bear with me y’all—I’m doing my best.
The big revelation this year was: I’m a writer, I want to write, and I’m going to write for money.
Another big one was: I am not going to show up in spaces with family that make me hate myself or leave me screaming in a tear soaked pillow after a visit. I will be safe, require healthy interactions, and stick to my non-negotiables.
And where did that leave me?
- Minimal cash flow
- Sad, because the part of my brain that knows better and the part that wants to be around certain family members are at odds.
Here is something else I haven’t shared with you, Wordies.
It’s officially been a year since I’ve seen my dad face-to-face.
We’re social media friends. We text every now and then and kind of play phone tag, but I’ve ultimately decided to stay away because I honestly thought it would help.
My siblings and I have done the interventions, family meetings, and acting like shit ain’t wrong. So, staying away as adults seemed the most viable way to incite real change.
A year later and a surprise visit to his home and I found that he wasn’t home and that the house was for sale.
A year later and I am the one who had to tell my siblings that 1. I caved and 2. am sorry.
It’s not even the house though, not really.
I mean, I have a lot of great memories in that home. When my childhood was good it was really good, and when the time with my dad is great it’s great.
However, enough life has also transpired for me to daydream about burning or knocking the house down my damn self.
So, no. It’s not just that he wasn’t there and at work or even that the house was for sale and my siblings and I didn’t know.
What has shaken me up is what the house represents.
And for me that is loss.
Coming back to my childhood home and previously all-black neighborhood to know that I will eventually find it a victim of gentrification in a suddenly all-white neighborhood, pains me.
Pulling up into that driveway and not seeing my dad’s door open or hearing the dogs barking, acted as a physical representation of loss and hardship for me.
I am thankful to be alive, thankful my great-grandmother (Big Mama) celebrated a 90th birthday, grateful for the encouragement and support of my friends and family, but this year was hard in a different way.
There was a lot of loss: politically, personally, emotionally, and professionally.
I mentioned a few posts ago that my husband and I both, for the first time in our relationship, experienced tasking tribulations and changes at the same time, when usually we take turns. And it was hard. Everything this year was hard, and again, this season I wasn’t brave.
Not like how I always envisioned myself or hoped I’d be by now.
But God, grace, and second chances.
We all have had our turn at talking ish about the New Year hype we see every year. There are always so many people who plan to do better and have a 1,000,001 resolutions. Still, we can’t deny that the concept of another chance, starting over, starting again, and doing better in another year is exciting.
I’ve spent so much time in my head and the spirit of comparison and perfection is the devil himself, but 2018 is around the corner.
2018 is less than a month away and I have plans y’all. I’m currently working on a few projects and there is one in particular I hope to have available to you all in a few months because I’ve learned something in this trial and error season.
And that is:
It ain’t over till it’s over.
How about you Wordies?
How was 2017 for you? What plans do you have for 2018?